Writing has of late become like therapy to me, when I write I feel better, so how could this be. It’s like being a baker and not being able to figure out what you want to bake one particular morning.
Was it because I was missing my inspiration, my sunshine? Or was it because I have been so busy I don’t have time to write anything with weight? Or is it because I feel like am giving too much and not receiving as much and that leaves me feeling empty? There had to be a reason, I can’t just not have what to write…can I?
Then I realized it is just nature taking its course. I have always been afraid of change, of surprises, the unknown, the future. I believe in consistency, when you start something you must complete it with the same vigor and passion you used at the start. I have tried effortlessly to stay the same throughout the passing years, only polishing up rusty areas where I can. And I believe or believed everyone and everything should do the same. I was wrong.
Change is the only consistent thing in this world. The only thing you can be sure of is that things are always changing and will continue to do so. You choose to either embrace it or fight it. I chose to fight it. I thought I would be the one that stayed. The one that stood the test of time. The one who beat the odds. The one who everyone would point to and say “now there’s a girl who never changes”. I was wrong. You cannot fight change, I meanyou can try, but I can almost guarantee that you will fail It’s like trying to stop the sun from setting or trying to apply the brakes on a really steep slippery slope.
Some people say that the truth is relative (and I could not agree more) well that is exactly what change is like; It doesn’t have one particular face. We all perceive it differently, sometimes positively and other times not so much. But. There is still hope for us non-change lovers. If you cannot stop the sun from setting, why not pull out a picnic mat and enjoy the view? If the slope is too slippery, well, lower fuel usage for you. So what if it takes me longer to find a topic that I would enjoy writing about, simply means I get to gain more knowledge about the various topics I’m going to have to choose from!
If you cannot stop change, then make sure to be the change you want to see!!!
Went over to the airport today, waited for Charlieto arrive, a feeling of anticipation in my gut, wondered if this is how you felt each time you came to pick her…did you embrace? Was there that awkward moment where you don’t know what to say to each other, or know how to act? Did you call her ‘love’ and look her deep in the eyes or did you quickly reach for her luggage and save it all for the ride back home?
Drove quietly along the highway, watched all the planes that were packed in the hangar, dreamed of being in one of them one day. Dreamed of going to a place far away, where I could start over…would I still have you? Did the two of you look at these same planes? Did you share your dreams and plans for the future along this same route? Did she point out one of those planes and say something that made you laugh sincerely? Made the awkwardness disappear that it was as if you were back to the times you had just met?
Drove into our packing lot, carried the luggage into the house. Went straight to the fridge for a cold drink. Popped two painkillers to deal with the headache that was threatening to blind me. Raised my feet onto the table, the one that is right in front of the TV. Did you massage her feet when she told you they ached? Take her shoes off one by one and kiss her pink feet? Did you bring some hot cocoa to right where she was seated? And tell her she didn’t have to move a muscle while you around? Did the two of you watch TV all cuddled up?
Walked half asleep to my bed. Crawled in sadly under the covers and tried to grab onto any shreds of sleep. Were you holding her now? As tenderly as you once held me? Whispering the same words in her ear? Did you stay awake till the wee hours of the night talking about sweet nothings like we used to? Did you think of me, even for a second?
Finally drift off into a troubled sleep. Fleeting dreams, images of you and me. And her. Because now, can’t think of you without thinking of her too. And though I miss you so much I can’t breathe sometimes, it’s only fair that you and her should be together. Maybe sometime in the years to come, I will not see you in everything that crosses my path. I won’t think of you. And her.
A wise man once said that great things come to a man that knows what he wills and wills it with all his heart. And although I have forgotten who exactly this wise man was, his words have had such a great impact on my life that I try to apply them wherever I can in my life.
I have just made it through what could appropriately be termed the longest week of my life and when I decided to sit back and review why it had qualified for this prestigious position, I realized that it is because underneath it all, am still an insecure approval-seeking unconfident little girl. I have since given up on remembering the particular incident that scarred me so much that I need everybody to like me, but I suspect it’s a series of events that ledme to believe everyone had to like me in order for me to be happy. I have also since given up on pretending and trying to prove to myself it is not so. Even then it still hurts to know that sometimes I have to sell myself short and settle for less than I think I deserve.
So I decided to take a soul searching journey to see if I can find out what exactly makes us settle for just about anything that is thrown our way. Although I wanted to say that it’s because we are afraid, or because we do not know that we are worth much more, I cannot. And even though am dying to say that we should never settle for just basic normalcy and that we should chase our dreams and never settle till we are happy, I cannot do that either. Because the plain truth of the matter is in the world that we are living in, one is lucky if anything gets thrown one’s way. And so what I will say is, hang on to whatever you have. With both hands! Life is unfair like that. If by some unseemly twist of fate you end up actually getting what you want and deserve, then good for you. And if you don’t, then you will be glad you appreciated the little you have.
I remember a time when my best friend and I would talk about life in a way that you could only see in the movies. We dreamt about finding true love, winning the lottery and living happily ever after. When we shared our dreams, we never realized that things actually go wrong and dreams sometimes do not come true.
Now a few years later, I am forced to ask myself what exactly can be considered a dream. And even though this particular friend of mine is long gone, I still look back upon those days with hope and longing.
Because, in spite of it all, what we did then was the true definition of dreaming. To be able to perceive something so out of reach that others would consider impossible is what I consider a true dream. To actually envision it coming true and being able to see in your mind the step by step details of how it will all unfold is the stuff that dreams are made of. To live your life sure it will one day come true and to actually involve the possibility in all your plans and actions like it were guaranteed is the life of a true dreamer!!!I have been termed as a day dreamer, hopeless romantic, naïve, name it. But if all this was so wrong, then why won’t my heart let it go. They say good things come to a man who knows what he wills and wills it with all his heart. I dream with all my heart .And good things are definitely coming to me.
Lately I have developed this uneasy feeling in my heart that life is passing me by. That there is something I am missing and I will not be able to hold onto all the precious memories that make people who they are. I have the uncontrollable urge to freeze time every five seconds so I can take it in every situation, every emotion and every single expression. I want to have the ability to document on some sort of recording device every second of the lives of the people in my life and I suddenly feel like one life time won’t be enough for me to achieve all that I would have wanted to.
I feel like there is so much I have forgotten, so many that I have forgotten and so many that have forgotten me too. I couldn’t stand to come home a stranger. I could never stand it if I did not have an impact so great in someone’s life that they had no choice but to remember me forever. And the fact that time is running by or my certain belief that it is makes my heart skip and clutch. As we celebrate this Easter, I hope that I will find a way everyday to do something memorable. Something that will bring me closer to achieving this one goal.
What is it that makes a mother abandon her new born baby? Or makes a husband cheat on the love of his life? What is that one thing that makes you reach out and lash at the ones you hold closest to your heart? Or look your mother in the eye and lie to her? What makes one’s best friend snatch her boyfriend right underneath her nose or change the name on that prize ticket?
Maybe am just a sucker for the good in people but I refuse to believe that some people are simply cold hearted and have no conscience. Try as I might to imagine what it might be like to have no scruples or sense of remorse, I still find it impossible. Believe me when I say it is possible to love someone with the whole of your heart and all you have in you and yet still go behind their backs and do that which you know will hurt them the most. Psychologists will say it’s our other side, you know how we are all supposed to have an evil side that is usually kept under lock and key and only surfaces at those rear times when you lose control but I believe it’s something else.
It’s our very own defiant human nature, the very same thing that makes us want to defy the simple basic things that come naturally…the same thing that makes you not go to the bathroom until your bladder is two seconds away from bursting, or that will keep you glued to the t. v screen until you drop off the chair from sleep, or that thing that will make you want to use your broken leg to walk before its time. It’s the constant inner conflict taking place inside us. We are always at war with our selves, whether we know it or not. So even in love, there is no perfect love. We can only hope that one day one will be able to muster all that goes on within us and bring it to a unidirectional harmony.
Today as I watched this movie about motherhood, a particular quote caught my attention. ”There is no try, there is only do and do not” - Uma Thurman, motherhood. Apart from the very important lesson that these simple words taught me, the whole movie once again reminded me ofthe things that really matter in life; family, true friends, helping the helpless and living each day like it’s your last. Doing those things that,if today was your last day, you would do. Obviously this got me thinking about what those things were for me and I was pleasantly surprised by what I found out.
I would love my family, kiss my nephews and nieces all the time, give my lunch to the hopeless man that sits by the corner, take a stroll on the beach, hold my boyfriend close and talk to God. I would call up all those people I haven’t heard from in such a long time. I would swallow my pride and be the first to apologize to that particular person that upset me. I would eat my favorite vanilla ice-cream and chocolate tiffany candy, listen to my c.d, and wear what makes me comfortable. I would watch the sunset and play in the rain, and talk about all my deepest fears. I would visit my best friend of all time, and thank her for changing my life in the most unexpected way. I would be proud to be me. And then I asked myself, why am I not doing that now?? What is stopping me? Nothing. Nothing at all! ………..