Friday, 16 August 2013

The tree or The forest…


Having quit my job recently, I have been determined to use the time between then and my next one to enjoy life as much as possible. I have been to every single event/occasion that you can think of; from weddings upcountry to weekend getaways, to private Art exhibitions and Church lock-ins, Charity, business workshops, work outs, cook-outs, dinners, luncheons, shows, you name it.

Plus, for some reason I have also taken it upon myself to be in charge of all that I can be in charge of. I was asked to organize a small day-out for some friends, which responsibility I gladly accepted. And when one of my friends wanted to plan a surprise party, I offered to do that too. Then came the one with an upcoming baby shower, and once again there I was. Now, if you have actually organized an event before then you know that it’s usually hundreds of times more taxing that you think it is, even if it’s just getting three children together to watch a movie. But here I was taking on all of this, still wanting to be the perfect friend, sister and daughter there is, start a business, keep in shape etc, all the while battling with persistent insomnia (I refuse to take meds-check Psalms 127:2 for referenceJ) that not only has me feeling exhausted each morning when I wake up but also leaves me with an irritating headache each day. I was so determined to prove to myself and everyone that I was happy with my life.

The truth is, I’m confident about all (read ‘most’) of the decisions I’ve been making of late. Quitting my job was one of the best decisions I ever made, and I’ve never had a problem being alone, in fact my uncanny ability to move on and let go is something I’ll have to pray about. I am happy. But trying so hard to prove that I was happy was actually making me miserable and it was starting to show in the way I was treating those around me.

It’s so amazing how simpler things are when you take a step back and look at them from a distance; more as an outsider rather than the one going through it. It’s really a case of the tree and the forest. It’s always the simple things in life that matter the most.
Yes, I’m still organizing all those events, but not as consecutively as I had decided to at first, and I won’t be taking up any more responsibilities soon… ever since I realized, once again, that I’m not Super woman, I’m taking more time off to get a massage, or take a bath, or meditate, or drink some wine, eat chocolate, or simply have a sleep-in… just do me. Let’s not get so caught up in appearances that we forget completely to live.

Thursday, 1 August 2013

When everything changes...

July 22.

14.40hrs.

Nine little words.

How could they cause so much pain! My whole body freezes over and i cant feel my legs.I wonder if im floating...Is this what they mean by being in shock...I cant move and something at the  back of my mind has to remind me to breath. Thank goodness we have no control over the beating of our heart!Its not sinking in yet,the loss that ccomes with those few words...The finality.And the pain...

Gut-wrenching pain that starts from somewhere inside my chest and spreads to the rest of my body.I double over. I must sit,i must find somewhere to sit or sleep.For just a minute,only till i catch my breathe.

But EVERYTHING has changed,in just that one moment...Aaah,a bed.Yes,i see a bed.Ill lie down for one minute...But my eyelids are frozen too.Then comes the tears,so many of them. Didnt think i had such a bountiful reserve in me,one thats so easily accesible at that...but quiet  tears turn into angry sobs that shake the whole body and leave you feeling drained.Ill just cry some of this pain out,or else my chest might explode.But why wont it go away... Ive probably been sobbing for about an hour,or is it a day,or two...

Help me Jesus,help me or this pain will kill me. So the sobs grow quieter and smoother and gradually die out.My eyelids start to drop. Ill just close my eyes for a second now...