Saturday, 27 September 2014

Three signs you are indeed worried

First off, let me start by saying I’m not a worrier. It’s my best and worst trait. Not worrying means I keep a straight face when the traffic officers stop us for overtaking and I don’t have my license with me, but then it also means I kept that same straight face when I came home with an E on my report card for chemistry. Needless to say, my “lack of concern” was not taken kindly by my parents. It also helps that the Bible has 365 “worry not’s” altogether, one for each day.

So when I googled ‘causes of insomnia’, I was quite perturbed when each of the 376,590 results showed worry as one of the causes. Then came the self assessment, trying to see if indeed there were things in my life that people in general tend to worry about and the answer was a big fat no; my life is great and I have many many blessings to be thankful for. It took me a while to realize that the sneaky bastard had indeed found a crevice to crawl through into my life and once inside, went on to get comfortable and fatten, all without my realization.
Here’s how I know I’m worried even when I don’t think I’m worried;

All kind of comparison is unhealthy, especially the one where you compare your achievements so far to those of your peers. Why is she driving a Mercedes when she is four years younger than me? Why is she getting awards for most talented yet I’ve been working for more years? What does this mean for me? Am I lagging behind? Am I unserious? Is there something I’m not doing right, or not doing at all? Should I resort to her methods of getting things done even though I don’t believe I should? If you have asked yourself any of these questions a good number of times over a short period of time, then there is some worry you have to deal with.

Living in the past and the future

I usually find myself trying to place myself in a situation I was in in the past, especially if it was one of significance or of happiness. I try to remember and feel how I felt then, what I was seeing, the expressions on people’s faces, the weather, the noise, everything. Just imagine time travel, or teleporting to a particular date and time and place and reliving the moments. I also do that for the future. If I had this, or if I finally got that, how would I feel…I then proceed with the time travel once again. It’s a habit I’m trying to stop. It’s also a sign that I’m worried about some aspects of the present, whether you know it or not.

Random and extreme changes in appetite

No, it’s not the way the food smells or looks. It’s not because you’ve been trying to lose weight and oh, it’s a miracle!! It’s worry. One moment you just can’t eat enough, and the next you’re wondering why people even need food at all, ’I mean, what’s the fuss about?’ If these changes are sporadic and not evenly spread out recently in your life, chances are something is worrying you, and you just don’t know it yet.

Sunday, 7 September 2014


'Its funny how we always know its all in our heads and have to work our minds out of it. . .'

I guess I just wanted to be perfect.

I wanted to be the perfect person, the perfect friend, perfect sister, daughter, girlfriend, wife, mother, and most recently perfect aunt.
Whenever people said that it's too hard, that it's almost impossible to balance this with that and still have time for the other, I thought they just weren't trying hard enough. I would be the one that went the extra mile. I would put more effort until I got there. No matter what. I would do it.

Things don't always go the way we plan.

Case in point; Wednesday of the week that's just ended; I decided to take my nephews and niece for a movie. It would be fun, we would laugh and eat popcorn and high five each other and I'd be the best aunt ever. The perfect aunt. In  preparation to be the perfect mother. I had it all planned out, every little detail, from the movie to the food to the games we would play. Every thing would be perfect because I go the extra mile and put in extra effort and I'm striving for perfection.

It didn't work out is the understatement of the year. I got to the house and there were five children instead of three (it's holiday time and kids like to visit their cousins) and I obviously couldn't leave the two behind... In hindsight, I should have realised at that moment that NOTHING would go as planned.  But once again I thought just a little more effort and it'll all fall in place.

We arrived when the movie was halfway done, popcorn was spilled in the commotion, I knocked a wall(and I mean that literally), the food wasn't enough, it rained, the children were out of control... I failed. I wasn't super woman. No one would ask me how I did it, or if they did I wouldn't have a great honest answer.  But how could I?  I'd gone the extra mile in everything. I'd worked extra hard. 

It's not always in your hands. Maybe because of all that fate stuff or maybe because nothing is constant apart from change, I don't know. Here's what I know now; effort might not always be everything if it's not well placed. You've got to invest your effort wisely or else you're in for some shock.