Friday, 30 June 2017

Enervated

Wolf and lamb in the same skin
My protector and my murderer are one and the same
Love and anger wrestle in the same dark small cubicle
Pain; the feeling of having your skin peeled off as you watch
Of someone taking your four fingers, pulling each two apart in opposite directions until the skin reaps
Until there's blood everywhere and the smell of putrid raw flesh fills the room
My healing lies within my suffering
You should have known. You should have intuition about these things; how couldn't you tell?
If we are joined at the hip, aren't we joined at heart as well?
Isn't my sin your sin? Don't you hear the words in these tears falling down my eyes?


I need for you to fix it, to nudge me forward and take me back to the beginning
Where it all started, and where it ended
To stay by my side and leave me alone
Reverse time; make it so none of it ever happened, so we still have that picture perfect I saw the first time I looked in your eyes
Take me back to innocence, where I could look the world dead in the eyes, a stare-down where only I could have won
My savior and condemner wear a shared face
If you weren't here, would I have felt all this pleasure? Would I have felt all this pain?
My fate is sealed; I must carry the heavy shadows on my bent back down this dark narrow winding path
I must wade through the muddy knee-high waters underneath the bridge I once rode on, the stone bridge I paved myself with bruised hands to keep me from drowning
My darkness is my light.
Will you relieve me, my captor and my hero?




Wednesday, 26 April 2017

Journal from the past; You're okay!

Nothing in life is a coincidence. I believe that everything happens at a particular time for a reason; you just have to be sensitive enough not to miss the purpose and whatever life is trying to impact on you.

Just this week, my sister decided to do some re-organisation of the bookshelf at home. The most interesting article she found(at least to me) was this journal I kept from 2012.It's deep blue in color with each page divided to cover three-four days. It's branded because it's one of those company diaries. You can tell from the worn edges that it was well used. Most of the pages are pretty full; I clearly had a lot to say. Most probably, I just had a lot of time on my hands.





After my sister handed me the diary, it lay on my bedside table for a few days. Just yesterday, while I was lounging around, I saw it and thought, "Why not?" So I opened the first page and begun to read. Most of it was pretty dramatic, I was a dreamer and I saw the world in HD/full color. I was young, without experience and with such an appetite for life. I was hungry to do, do, do!! I had such high expectations from myself, my loved ones and life. I had seen nothing!!! On one of the first pages one of my statements caught my eye....






"I wish I could fast forward to five years from now and see what happens then. Or just to skip this part anyway. Living one day at a time sucks".

Guess what, It's almost exactly five years from the day I wrote that. And I want to reach out to me five years ago and just give her a long, tight and warm hug. If I could talk to the Kullein of 2012 (insert some time-travel stunt from any movie), here's what I'd say...

Enjoy that phase
It probably feels like it's dragging but you'll miss it, at least parts of it. You will one day look back fondly at that time and laugh at how simple it all was...

Slow down
Pace yourself. Don't be skipping any parts and trying to look for shortcuts. I know you're trying to get to a place people took 2 years to get to in 2 months. It's not a bad thing. Just try be present; fully feel and enjoy where you are NOW.

You're on schedule
You're doing better than you or anyone else ever thought you would be doing at this point. You've gone over and beyond and will bag some remarkable achievements. You have a great support system; you're in love with an angel, your friends are loyal and your family has never been closer.

Don't stop dreaming
Never lose your hunger and appetite for life. Don't ever feel like it's a disadvantage because it's not something everyone has. It might get you into sticky situations some times, but you will live a full life.The future is so much better than you can see right now.

Ease up on yourself
Give yourself a break. Give your loved ones a break. It's not as serious as you think it is, and yes, you will recover from the mistakes. You will learn so much that you'll even shock yourself. If you could see yourself five years from now, you'd be so proud of you. You're on the right track,

You're not fat!!!
I probably can't convince you about this no matter what I say but just for the record, it's true.

Last but not least, don't quit on the journals
Look at how handy this one came in. I know at some point in the future you will give it all a break, but do resume when you can.


There's no such thing as coincidence. This diary re-appearing in my life at this exact time is no coincidence. It's God's way of saying, 'Hey, you're okay'. He is saying 'I still got you'.

Friday, 17 February 2017

Majority knows best!





Slow down child
You skip and you slip 
without a care in the world
You swish and you sway
and say all your thoughts out loud
You shouldn't be so happy
You should carry some worry

Slow down child
lest you meet your fall 
We were once young like you, you know
we thought we knew it all
But life will shake you up good, it will
show you who's who in the larger scale of things
You shouldn't be so full of hope

Slow down child 
you will get your heart broken
It may seem like it's for forever right now 
but we can tell you it won't last
Haven't you heard it said,
"All good things come to an end"?
Don't you dare trust fully

Slow down child
follow the pre-defined steps
There's a reason why these things are in place;
Majority knows best
There's no need to fix what isn't broken
or make better what's working fine
Try to not be so adventurous

Slow down child
You risk and you believe
trying to shape your own way
You question and you doubt
and want to try everything out
keep your head down and try to fit in
Don't try to stand out, it will only do you in

Slow down child.
We know what's best for you
Slow down child.








Monday, 13 February 2017

Courage in the time of fear

“Respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that no longer serves you, grows you, or makes you happy.”


Some messages never grow old. There are some topics that after I’ve read two or three posts about them, I’m done. Being bold is not one of those topics.

Naturally as human beings, we are comforted by routine. The safety net it brings allows you to feel like you’re in control of your life and what tomorrow will bring. It becomes your identity, how you describe yourself and how others define you. It becomes your main frame of reference when making decisions. It allows you to fit into a certain social category; heck, it even gives you new friends. When that safety net is suddenly ripped away, you’re left exposed. You’re suddenly vulnerable and lost, like a chick that was separated from mother hen and siblings when crossing the road. You start to look left and right, looking for anything that looks familiar or accepting. The doubt then starts to set in; were you even ever what you thought you were? Are you sure you weren’t a phony the whole time, an act that got so good at the scene that it looked real? Are you anything without that safety net? What about your friends; will they really still be your friends even after you’re no longer under the same net? Was it the right decision?



The truth of the matter is Fortune favors the bold. No one ever got anywhere without taking the risk, and trust me it doesn’t matter who you are, risks scare everyone. Nobody said you wouldn’t be afraid. The trick is to do it even when you are afraid. Choose to focus on the little courage you have and drown out all the fear/doubts. I’m not talking about that action that you know will hurt everyone around you and put you in trouble. I’m also not talking about those whims that come as a result of watching too much soapy television. No. I’m talking about that itch that keeps you awake at night. That thing you can’t wait to get up and do in the morning. That thing that brings you so much fulfillment because you know that you know that you know that this is what you’re supposed to be doing! You’re probably reading this and thinking, “Nah, this ain’t for me. I’m way too unimportant. I have too much to lose. I couldn’t possibly be able to pull it off.”

I wish I could tell you that it will all most definitely work out but I can’t. It will probably be hard and you will most probably go through some days where you wonder if you did the right thing. But if you don’t, you will spend each and every day of your existence half alive. You will grow resentful and angry and lose all sort of motivation. You will simply drift from one day into another and ask questions like, “What day is it?” and it won’t be because of a crazy night out the night before. One day 20 years down the road, you will wake up and wonder where your life went. All the things you were afraid would happen if you did still happened when you didn’t. You will carry around the pain of a loss so great that it will show in your empty sad eyes and your stooped walk.


Do it. Take the plunge. Today is only the beginning of the rest of your life.


Thursday, 2 February 2017

The 103rd Psalm of King David

1.  Praise the Lord, my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
Praise the Lord, my soul,
    and forget not all his benefits—
who forgives all your sins
    and heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit
    and crowns you with love and compassion,
who satisfies your desires with good things
    so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.
It’s not even about saying it with your mouth as it is about being so grateful in your heart; your insides should be dancing with praise. You know how you feel when your loved one does something so sweet and you just feel all warm and delicious inside; that’s what King David meant when he said ‘…all my inmost being, praise his holy name’.
You have so many blessings (benefits) some of which you don’t even notice; life, health, family, friends, career, peace etc. Even the hair and stilettos I have are from God!
6 The Lord works righteousness
    and justice for all the oppressed.
7 He made known his ways to Moses,
    his deeds to the people of Israel:
8 The Lord is compassionate and gracious,
    slow to anger, abounding in love.
9 He will not always accuse,
    nor will he harbor his anger forever;
10 he does not treat us as our sins deserve
    or repay us according to our iniquities.
He does not treat us as our sins deserve, or repay us according to our iniquities.  His mercies are new every morning. Picture yourself as a criminal. Each morning you’re in the same court room for a different case(s) and each time, after hearing the charges against you, the same judge says ‘Forgiven. She/he is free to go.’ *Insert sound of gavel*
No bribe, no trial, no defense, no nothing. Every day, every week, year after year...

11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
    so great is his love for those who fear him;
12 as far as the east is from the west,
    so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
13 As a father has compassion on his children,
    so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him;
14 for he knows how we are formed,
    he remembers that we are dust.
15 The life of mortals is like grass,
    they flourish like a flower of the field;
16 the wind blows over it and it is gone,
    and its place remembers it no more.
17 But from everlasting to everlasting
    the Lord’s love is with those who fear him,
  and his righteousness with their children’s children—
18 with those who keep his covenant
    and remember to obey his precepts.
From everlasting to everlasting; As far as the East is from the West and the heavens are above the earth. Before you were born, from the year 1BC to the year 200,000 or eternity, that’s how long he has loved you. It doesn’t matter if you live to be 85 or 130, twenty lifetimes would still not exhaust his love for you.  
And it’s not love in portions; He is not measuring 20litres of love (if love was a liquid) per week so that it’s equally spread out and he has enough to last him the whole period of time. Think buckets and floods of love, the kind that almost drowns you and washes everything else away. That’s what we are dealing with here.
19 The Lord has established his throne in heaven,
    and his kingdom rules over all.
20 Praise the Lord, you his angels,
    you mighty ones who do his bidding,
    who obey his word.
21 Praise the Lord, all his heavenly hosts,
    you his servants who do his will.
22 Praise the Lord, all his works
    everywhere in his dominion.
Praise the Lord, my soul.
Let’s just put this Psalm into perspective.  Replace “Lord” or “He” with Sarah or Timothy or Mum; if you had someone who did even a quarter of this for you, constantly, consistently and unconditionally, you would be singing their praise on every possible platform possible. You’d be posting pictures on Instagram and videos of all their deeds on Snapchat with hashtags like #Bestfriendever, #Mybooisbetterthanyours #Feelingloved etc.

What’s stopping you from doing the same for God?