Letters to Stella
I am falling into what seems like a bottomless pit. Its pitch black so I can’t see much around me but there is a damp smell and the sound of air rushing fast past me. I struggled at first, frantically moving my hands trying to reach for anything I can grasp, but nothing. After a while, when I realized I was still falling anyway, I let my hands hung limp by my side and decided to see how it goes. I loved you Stella, more than I let show probably. I saw the doubt that flickered across your face sometimes when we were together, a shadow that only lasted a second but I saw it. How could I have shown you what you meant to me without looking weak? Yes, I loved you desperately, it scared me sometimes. I am still falling and it’s getting warmer. I think the pit is narrowing because my fingers are grazing what feels like protruding plant roots. It’s getting more humid too so maybe I am close to the bottom. I didn’t fight the fall Stella; you would have been disappointed. It’s been one long fall after you left after all… what difference would this one make?
I haven’t moved in a while. It’s not because I can’t. I just don’t want to. Time stands still at the bottom of this dark pit. I lie in a foetal position on the cold mossy ground and let the ants and whatever other creatures the dark hides crawl over me. I hear my muscles scream out, beg for movement, any movement. If you thought the fall was the terrible part of this, then you have no idea. Someone once said that the good thing about hitting rock bottom is you can not fall any further. I am lost Stella inside and out. I patiently await death.
Day Twenty one
I remember your smile. I remember how you liked to dance. I remember your eyes. I remember how freely you trusted me. I remember how intensely you loved. I remember how you lay your head on my chest ever so gently while we sipped on your favorite wine and just lay in bed. I remember your dreams for our future. What else could I have done to show you how deeply you had been etched into my heart? We would never have lasted, you were meant for much greater things. I saw it in your drive; so young yet so passionate. You would have blamed me. You would eventually come to resent me for stealing your youth. You never saw the laughter in their eyes, or heard the sneers behind my back when we walked by hand in hand. You were so caught up in your bliss. Your hope and optimism cut right through my chest. I know it was the coward’s way out, but I did the only thing I could. I hope you will one day come to understand it.
Day Thirty Four
Someone has accidentally let the light in and for the first time I can actually see where I am. It’s a well, a deep one no doubt, with all sorts of crawling plants and algae growing up the walls. At first I thought it was just another of my visions, but when I slowly stretched my hand in front of me, I could see the dried blood around my broken fingernails, evidence from the first days I scratched around trying to feel something; to feel anything other than the grayness you left in me when you took all the color and light out of my life. What did I think would happen? That you would sit around and wait for me? That somehow you would be the one to find the solution I was not able to? That you would continue to try and talk some sense into me? I see that a small shrub has grown around my temporary bed. My hands can not support me even as I try to sit up. Oh Stella, I hurt myself more than I hurt you, you can believe that. I broke your heart but I killed mine; drained the life out of it and buried it where no one will ever be able to dig it out. I will it to stay dead ever day.
When I wake up Stella, I will find you. I have decided that I will live after all. I will live and find you and earn your forgiveness.