Monday, 28 November 2011

Confessions of a dreamer.

California dreams…
I dream of a life where all is well
Of sunny boulevards and tree-lined walkways
Of weekend barbeques and Sunday picnics
Of fancy cocktail parties and all night discos
Of white picket fences and big blue mansions
Of exotic cuisine and vanilla martinis
Of yellow summer dresses and red beach shorts
Of power walks and spa treatments
Of dinners for two and holidays abroad
Of long-time friendships and genuine laughter
Of stolen kisses and passionate love-making
Of moon-lit walks and promises of forever
Of running children and dotting grannies
Of fresh breezes and camping fires
Of extensive family brunches and outdoor games
Of fond reminiscing and anticipation for a great future
Of holding hands and crying together
Of lifelong companionship and rock-hard loyalty
I dream of a life where all is well…

Sunday, 20 November 2011


i'm giving you my heart,all that is within
i lay it all down for the sake of you my king.
im giving you my dreams,laying down my rights
im giving you my pride for the promise of new life

and i surrender all to you,all to you
and i surrender all to you,all to you...

im singing you this song,im waiting at the cross
all the world holds dear,i count it all as loss
for the sake of knowing you,for the glory of your name
to know the lasting joy,even sharing in your pain

and i surrender it all to you...all to you...

Saturday, 19 November 2011

One world to another...

It’s a scary new world L
This is a good thing .I should be happy. No, I should be overjoyed. But I am not. I am actually scared.
It’s a scary experience. I have wanted all along to forget you. And now it is happening. But I am actually scared. I could try to reason with myself as to why this is so…

For a while, you were my world. And just like every world, there were mountains and there were valleys. There was rain and there were the sunny seasons. There was snow and there was spring. But it was my world. There were good days, and not so good days, and excellent days. There were days my world was peaceful and calm and filled with good cheer and there were gloomy days, when the skies were dark and gray, and the cold winds blew. But it was my world. And I had been in it long enough to know how to deal with it.
I knew where to shelter myself when the rain started to pour heavily. I knew how to wade my way through the waters when the flood waters were high. I knew where to go shopping for warm clothing when I noticed that the winters were coming. I knew when to stay indoors and not try to get through the storm. I knew when it was just a drizzle and when it was a storm.
And I knew how to play on the sandy beaches during the hot summers. I knew which spots had the best breezes, and I knew which roads would take me home fastest. I knew the bumpy ones and the smooth ones. I knew how to keep myself busy during the long days, and what to do when the heat became too intense. I knew how to smile at the jokes that the world threw me, and how to laugh along…it was my world. And I loved my world.
Now I have to move on to another world .It could be a better world, yes. But I am scared of this new world. Will I ever be able to adapt? Do I want to adapt? If I had to choose, would I choose this new better scary world?

Yes. I am scared indeed.

Saturday, 5 November 2011

The 6th floor at Mulago Hospital.

Ces’t lavie; that’s life and that’s how it’s gonna be
So I have been going through a bit of a rough patch, managed to make my way out alive somehow and I have never felt so energized. So confident and full of the good vibes that am sure there is some sort of glow coming from me even as I walk the streets of Kampala.
How did I do it, you ask? Well it’s my positive attitude. My new positive attitude. It was always said how attitude is everything but I never really quite got it or felt the impact like I have in the past few days. I decided to not let anything get to me. That’s life. It’s not fair. Not everyone and everything is the way it should be or you would like it to be…accept this and you will feel like you have just been reborn.
So you failed your test; that’s life, and these things happen. Work harder so you can do better on the next one. Don’t spend the next three weeks wondering if you will never be able to graduate and how your future is ruined because you will not be able to get a job.
So that boyfriend or crush hasn’t called you in a week and yet you know for a fact you had a good time on your last date, but now he is playing games; that’s life, these things happen. Next time be sure to not wear your heart on your sleeve
So your parents gave you a major beat down the last time you came home past 12:00am and are threatening to cut your allowance; that’s life, these things happen. Be sure to have a better lie next time about where you are going and why you have to sleep over (or you could come back earlier)
So your Bff is hanging out more with other people than with you of late, in fact she is clearly avoiding you and won’t explain why; that’s life, these things happen. Take this time to see if you were friends for the right reasons in the first place.
So you are behind on rent, cut down your unnecessary expenditures. You have put on three kilos since summer, employ and exercise routine. Your teenage daughter says you don’t understand her, try walking in her shoes…
The list goes on and on and on. it sucks I know, it takes time and sometimes its gonna hurt like hell. But you are not alone. Someone out there has gone through or is going through what you are dealing with and they have made it through. So can you. Just know that it’s all part of life and that is how its gonna be. Change your attitude about it and then you will be able to move on to better things

The good and the necessary bad; an important balance.
I am one of those people who you would term as bad girl gone good. And to most people this is a good and positive move, one that would make you mommy proud. But of late I find myself wondering if really, deep deep down, the same people that complained when I was a mean nasty and insensitive prick do not kinda wish I had stayed that way.
Because think about it, if we do not have bad people, than how can we possibly have the good. If your sister is not indisciplined,then how can your parents appreciate how disciplined you are…
Recently as I sat down for chocochinno with a friend of mine, we got to talking and somehow the conversation landed on the topic of my past, having been infamous, the news had spread far and wide and somehow even he who could have in no way come into contact with me back then had come to know of some of my misdeeds. After a few minutes of pondering and discussing the whole issue, he says “I sure would have liked to meet you then…”.I remember thinking okaaaaaaayyy……..
And then recently, I had been very badly wronged and hurt by someone, and as I contemplated my course of action, I went on and on about how I should not fight back and instead walk away, and then my friend says “what happened to you, I sure miss the old you”. I was dumbfounded to say the least as this was one of the people who enthusiastically supported my reform back then.
A few other incidences have taken place in addition to these that have made me come to believe that we do need some bad in order to appreciate the good. It’s a very delicate balance whose wheels must be kept oiled at all times.

The 6th floor at Mulago hospital!!!
Mulago hospital is one of the biggest government hospitals in Uganda, and as it is located in the capital city, it is usually packed to capacity with all sorts of people. The medical department of the most prominent university is hence located within this hospital as this exposes the students to more practical education happen to be one of these students.
On an ordinary day, I will rotate between the classroom, the canteen and the library. On a not-so-ordinary day, I might wander to the various departments of the hospital, offices and other places. On this particular not-so-ordinary day, I was through with all my lectures and I really did not want to go the library as I was sure it would be hard to find a good seat at that particular time and also I would be forced to see people that I really was not in the mood to see. So I decided to wander off into the hospital to look for a quiet serene place where I would not be disturbed by anything or anyone. Usually I would go to a room I had discovered on the second floor but it was also occupied. That’s how I found myself on the sixth floor of Mulago hospital.
It is a private section of the hospital and you have to pay to be admitted into its wards despite it being a national referral hospital. I know this because I have known a lot of people who have used the rooms here. The floor is divided into three departments if I may call them; 6A,6B and 6C.And as the elevator came to a stop in front of 6A,I decided to check it out. And I was not the least bit disappointed.
6a was quiet and peaceful and clean. The view from up here was amazing and there was lots of fresh air. I managed to find a corner with chairs, a table and a place to plug my laptop. It was amazing. I sat down, plugged the laptop, pulled out my sandwich and thermal cup full of hot cocoa, and began to work on a report that was almost due. It was bliss. I decided this would be my spot from now on. I would come here when I wanted to escape from the world and its many problems. This would be like that basement in grey’s anatomy where everyone goes to catch a break. I was loving this. Until this unbelievable doctor walks up to me and asks what I am doing there…
As medical students you are told to utilize any area of the hospital as it is all part of learning, this was my right, I mean I pay tuition, don’t I? So when Mr. Smart arse doctor asked me that absurd question, I was not so willing to cooperate. To cut the long story short, there was a not so civil exchange of which I lost. The same thing happened after a few minutes in 6b and 6c and after some time I was forced to return to my library LL L not exactly how I had pictured it would all end.
Later on, after going through the motions of anger and vengeance, all kinds of promises to myself to make a huge case of this(I mean it’s no wonder the numbers in the medical profession are steadily reducing if I, a medical student, soon to be working here no doubt, cannot be allowed in a particular section of a national referral  hospital… I mean did the president know this was happening!!!!?????) to passive aggressiveness and then to resignation, I realized I would probably do the same thing if I were in their shoes.
I mean who wouldn’t want to preserve any semblance of sanity in this chaotic world, even if it meant throwing people out? If I had a place as nice as the sixth floor of Mulago hospital, I too would guard it jealously.

sn 110.jpgMy day off.
It was Wednesday. I had had such a long day. So much to do, so little time, so many people to please and so many deadlines to beat. I had rotated around the city a zillion times in the scorching sun to get some items to different people, I was hungry, tired, depressed and the last thing I needed was for someone to give me a talking-to about not forgetting my roots!! But I still got it.
As I sat in the taxi, on my way home, I kept going through all the things I still had to do, people I had to call or text, things to sort out and stay alive at the end of it all.
I went to bed exhausted and woke up even more exhausted. As I slowly put one foot out of bed and the other, eyes still half closed, and still half asleep, the idea came to me like a vision. A day off. That’s what I needed.
First thing I did was turn off my phones. Both of them. Quite scary as I am a person with many responsibilities and hence lots of phone calls but I was determined .I then proceeded to the kitchen, and made myself a bowl of cereal and came back to bed.
I watched vampire diaries in the comfort of my bed (mind you, the only good thing about the episodes is the sound tracks, everything else I find very unoriginal and dull. But a boy I like had thought I might enjoy it, though now I think he must be gay if he himself enjoys it. I am yet to put an end to all this speculation ;-)   
I took a nap and woke up to more episodes of the series. I felt like having pancakes so I went out and made some… yummy! Took time to read a funny book clean and organized my room. Eavesdropped on Aunt Rosa singing along to some Swazi music. I smelled the flowers and laughed a lot.
I had a foot spa(fruit squeeze and lavender)and and a facial(Himalaya herbals-neem and avocado)surfed the internet and got high on a few glasses of Cinzano and did some long needed writing while enjoying  the sunny outdoors. Sang and danced along to some really old hip-hop music…I gave my nephew a lollipop for organizing his shoes and put my niece to bed with a kiss. I prayed with the few family members that were around and lit scented candles for my room. Then I sat back and sipped on some more Cinzano, soft music in the background and thought about life in general.
I thought about how things have changed, of long gone friends and future plans, of my dreams and my reality. I thought about the boy I was in love with, and I reflected on all my choices. I thought about how relaxed I felt right now. And then I slept off. Ready for whatever tomorrow held.

Saturday, 17 September 2011

Bayimba international festival of the arts

I was so excited to find out that we actually do have some fun stuff right here with us,like this many activities there including but not restricted to:
-tattoos and body piercing( let not the fact that i mentioned this first be of any significance as i do not have any of the above...)
-auditions for roles in many commercials,movies
 and plays(i did audition for one role as a bridesmaid in some commercial...pictorial coming soon!!!)
-selling and buying of all sorts of artistic clothes,paintings,drawings,shoes,bags,caps, jewelry(African) to mention but a few...
-youth film workshops
-photographic documentary of life in one of the biggest slims around(impressive if you ask me...pretty impressive!!)
-lots of perfomances by artists and bands.
-plays and poetry reading.
-a silent disco,yes.a silent one.very very cool stuff!!
-last but not least,actually most importantly,food!!! :). even though i later went elsewhere for cocktails with my girlfriends,the food here was pretty delicious.and the best part of it all is that the festival goes on the whole weekend so you are not too late to catch it!!
sorry these are the only photos i could upload for now but watch this space for the full pictorial.
sheebah and i having our cocktails after the festival.
daisy and i at the festival.

The boat cruise that was...

I am really not one to boast or show off,and I have thought about this a lot,wondering if I should post about it or not...and after a long debate,I have decided to. 
My closest friends and I went for this cruise a while back and it was the most surreal humbling moment that I can possibly remember.Apart from being indescribably fun,it just got me thinking 'How Great is our God!! Look at all he has created with His mouth'...and I decided,this blog is going to be here forever and this is a memory I want to cherish..I want to be able to come back five years from now,look at this post and smile fondly,irrespective of where we will all be then,what we will be going through or if we will still be friends I am posting this to preserve timelessly one of the most precious days,and nights of my

Wednesday, 24 August 2011

The many paths of tears

                                               tuesday 23rd august 2011
When emotion affects us, it stimulates the cranial nerve in the brain and this sends signals to the neurons. The presence of androids in the dendrites of neurons increases the electronic activity in the medulla oblongata which results in production of cryolin that in turn catalyses the production of excess saline which is then pumped out through the eyes as a brain response mechanism for homeostasis. Emotional tears differ from scientific lubricant tears in that they contain a higher percentage of adrenonorticotropic hormone and leucine enkephalin that is a natural pain killer.
   The lumbic system, specifically the hypothalamus has a degree of control over the autonomic system. The parasympathetic branch of the autonomic system controls the lucramal glands via the neurotransmitter acetyl-choline through both the nicotinic and muscarinic receptors. When these receptors are activated, the lacrinal gland is stimulated to produce tears. The motor pathway is autonomic and in general uses the pathway of the seventh nerve in the parasympathetic division.
When that one thing that you wanted so much doesn’t come when it should have, when you are too happy it’s almost as if you are walking on air, when you love someone so deeply you would give them your soul if they asked for it, only to find their heart belongs to another, when that one person that you thought would always be there is suddenly no more…you try to speak but somehow the words just won’t come out for one reason or another and yet they can’t last a second longer in your mouth, so you swallow them, only to have them slowly burn your  esophagus like pieces of bitter hot coal as they make their way to the pit of your stomach only to form a knot there, that won’t allow you to breathe regularly…so your breaths start to come in short gasps. Your spirit gives in and your strength is a thing of the past. A state of utter helplessness.                                                                                          When you give up all pretense of having it all together, of having it all figured out, accepting that you are weak, and that yes, even you need a hand every once in a while, when sadness so overwhelming it feels like you have been forced to carry  a heavy heavy blanket and your world is threatening to crush you, these same words are pushed up by the sheer weight of your despair filling up all the space in your abdomen, up past the opening that would have led them out through your mouth now filled incessantly with short breaths to the only part that seems to still be functioning and has the quickest access to the outside-your eyes. Here all the steam that has been gathering throughout the journey meets the cool surface of the eyeballs, condenses on contact. And then the downpour. Yes, after trying to hold it in for so long, you are now crying, finally….

Sunday, 14 August 2011

my fabulous faves ryt now!!!

                              MY FAV FRIENDS(for now :) : fabulously fabulous
 and human.totally
 comfy wherever whenever.totally love you guys,
wouldnt trade what we have for anything.xoxo.<3<3<3
my super sweet and tasty fav food right now.
lots of carbs,i know,and def doesn't help with the cellulite either
 but the way it melts right into my mouth,def not giving you up anytime soon my dear custard pudding. 
picnicing!!!haaaaa!(long sigh) very relaxing,very relieving,
completely and utterly fav activity,for the last few days.going to
 have one next week with my sort-of boyfriend,and one of my fav friends and her <3<3
Paloma Faith!!!can not  really claim this as an original idea of mine,listened 
to some of her songs in my sort-of boyfriend's car and pretended not to like them,truth is i 
loved them and immediately downloaded some to my playlist when i got,in general 
is my fav pass-time ever,but Paloma Faith is my fav pass-time music for now.
stay tuned!!!!

Saturday, 30 July 2011


                                        Friday July 29, 2011
Writing has of late become like therapy to me, when I write I feel better, so how could this be. It’s like being a baker and not being able to figure out what you want to bake one particular morning.
Was it because I was missing my inspiration, my sunshine? Or was it because I have been so busy I don’t have time to write anything with weight? Or is it because I feel like am giving too much and not receiving as much and that leaves me feeling empty? There had to be a reason, I can’t just not have what to write…can I?
Then I realized it is just nature taking its course. I have always been afraid of change, of surprises, the unknown, the future. I believe in consistency, when you start something you must complete it with the same vigor and passion you used at the start. I have tried effortlessly to stay the same throughout the passing years, only polishing up rusty areas where I can. And I believe or believed everyone and everything should do the same. I was wrong.
Change is the only consistent thing in this world. The only thing you can be sure of is that things are always changing and will continue to do so. You choose to either embrace it or fight it. I chose to fight it. I thought I would be the one that stayed. The one that stood the test of time. The one who beat the odds. The one who everyone would point to and say “now there’s a girl who never changes”. I was wrong. You cannot fight change, I mean  you can try, but I can almost guarantee that you will fail It’s like trying to stop the sun from setting or trying to apply the brakes on a really steep slippery slope.
       Some people say that the truth is relative (and I could not agree more) well that is exactly what change is like; It doesn’t have one particular face. We all perceive it differently, sometimes positively and other times not so much. But. There is still hope for us non-change lovers. If you cannot stop the sun from setting, why not pull out a picnic mat and enjoy the view? If the slope is too slippery, well, lower fuel usage for you. So what if it takes me longer to find a topic that I would enjoy writing about, simply means I get to gain more knowledge about the various topics I’m going to have to choose from!
            If you cannot stop change, then make sure to be the change you want to see!!!

Friday, 22 July 2011

Bohemian Rhapsody

Friday June 24, 2011
Went over to the airport today, waited for Charlie  to arrive, a feeling of anticipation in my gut, wondered if this is how you felt each time you came to pick her…did you embrace? Was there that awkward moment where you don’t know what to say to each other, or know how to act? Did you call her ‘love’ and look her deep in the eyes or did you quickly reach for her luggage and save it all for the ride back home?
              Drove quietly along the highway, watched all the planes that were packed in the hangar, dreamed of being in one of them one day. Dreamed of going to a place far away, where I could start over…would I still have you? Did the two of you look at these same planes? Did you share your dreams and plans for the future along this same route? Did she point out one of those planes and say something that made you laugh sincerely? Made the awkwardness disappear that it was as if you were back to the times you had just met?
   Drove into our packing lot, carried the luggage into the house. Went straight to the fridge for a cold drink. Popped two painkillers to deal with the headache that was threatening to blind me. Raised my feet onto the table, the one that is right in front of the TV. Did you massage her feet when she told you they ached? Take her shoes off one by one and kiss her pink feet? Did you bring some hot cocoa to right where she was seated? And tell her she didn’t have to move a muscle while you around? Did the two of you watch TV all cuddled up?
        Walked half asleep to my bed. Crawled in sadly under the covers and tried to grab onto any shreds of sleep. Were you holding her now? As tenderly as you once held me? Whispering the same words in her ear? Did you stay awake till the wee hours of the night talking about sweet nothings like we used to? Did you think of me, even for a second?
   Finally drift off into a troubled sleep. Fleeting dreams, images of you and me. And her. Because now, can’t think of you without thinking of her too. And though I miss you so much I can’t breathe sometimes, it’s only fair that you and her should be together. Maybe sometime in the years to come, I will not see you in everything that crosses my path. I won’t think of you. And her.

What are you settling for?

                                      May 8th 2011.
A wise man once said that great things come to a man that knows what he wills and wills it with all his heart. And although I have forgotten who exactly this wise man was, his words have had such a great impact on my life that I try to apply them wherever I can in my life.
            I have just made it through what could appropriately be termed the longest week of my life and when I decided to sit back and review why it had qualified for this prestigious position, I realized that it is because underneath it all, am still an insecure approval-seeking unconfident little girl. I have since given up on remembering the particular incident that scarred me so much that I need everybody to like me, but I suspect it’s a series of events that led  me to believe everyone had to like me in order for me to be happy. I have also since given up on pretending and trying to prove to myself it is not so. Even then it still hurts to know that sometimes I have to sell myself short and settle for less than I think I deserve.
So I decided to take a soul searching journey to see if I can find out what exactly makes us settle for just about anything that is thrown our way. Although I wanted to say that it’s because we are afraid, or because we do not know that we are worth much more, I cannot. And even though am dying to say that we should never settle for just basic normalcy and that we should chase our dreams and never settle till we are happy, I cannot do that either. Because the plain truth of the matter is in the world that we are living in, one is lucky if anything gets thrown one’s way. And so what I will say is, hang on to whatever you have. With both hands! Life is unfair like that. If by some unseemly twist of fate you end up actually getting what you want and deserve, then good for you. And if you don’t, then you will be glad you appreciated the little you have.            


I remember a time when my best friend and I would talk about life in a way that you could only see in the movies. We dreamt about finding true love, winning the lottery and living happily ever after. When we shared our dreams, we never realized that things actually go wrong and dreams sometimes do not come true.
        Now a few years later, I am forced to ask myself what exactly can be considered a dream. And even though this particular friend of mine is long gone, I still look back upon those days with hope and longing.
Because, in spite of it all, what we did then was the true definition of dreaming. To be able to perceive something so out of reach that others would consider impossible is what I consider a true dream. To actually envision it coming true and being able to see in your mind the step by step details of how it will all unfold is the stuff that dreams are made of. To live your life sure it will one day come true and to actually involve the possibility in all your plans and actions like it were guaranteed is the life of a true dreamer!!!  I have been termed as a day dreamer, hopeless romantic, na├»ve, name it. But if all this was so wrong, then why won’t my heart let it go. They say good things come to a man who knows what he wills and wills it with all his heart. I dream with all my heart .And good things are definitely coming to me.                     

Destined for greatness

Lately I have developed this uneasy feeling in my heart that life is passing me by. That there is something I am missing and I will not be able to hold onto all the precious memories that make people who they are. I have the uncontrollable urge to freeze time every five seconds so I can take it in every situation, every emotion and every single expression. I want to have the ability to document on some sort of recording device every second of the lives of the people in my life and I suddenly feel like one life time won’t be enough for me to achieve all that I would have wanted to.                                
I feel like there is so much I have forgotten, so many that I have forgotten and so many that have forgotten me too. I couldn’t stand to come home a stranger. I could never stand it if I did not have an impact so great in someone’s life that they had no choice but to remember me forever. And the fact that time is running by or my certain belief that it is makes my heart skip and clutch. As we celebrate this Easter, I hope that I will find a way everyday to do something memorable. Something that will bring me closer to achieving this one goal.

No perfect love

     What is it that makes a mother abandon her new born baby? Or makes a husband cheat on the love of his life? What is that one thing that makes you reach out and lash at the ones you hold closest to your heart? Or look your mother in the eye and lie to her? What makes one’s best friend snatch her boyfriend right underneath her nose or change the name on that prize ticket?
      Maybe am just a sucker for the good in people but I refuse to believe that some people are simply cold hearted and have no conscience. Try as I might to imagine what it might be like to have no scruples or sense of remorse, I still find it impossible. Believe me when I say it is possible to love someone with the whole of your heart and all you have in you and yet still go behind their backs and do that which you know will hurt them the most. Psychologists will say it’s our other side, you know how we are all supposed to have an evil side that is usually kept under lock and key and only surfaces at those rear times when you lose control but I believe it’s something else.
     It’s our very own defiant human nature, the very same thing that makes us want to defy the simple basic things that come naturally…the same thing that makes you not go to the bathroom until your bladder is two seconds away from bursting, or that will keep you glued to the t. v screen until you drop off the chair from sleep, or that thing that will make you want to use your broken leg to walk before its time. It’s the constant inner conflict taking place inside us. We are always at war with our selves, whether we know it or not. So even in love, there is no perfect love. We can only hope that one day one will be able to muster all that goes on within us and bring it to a unidirectional harmony.                                                         
In a nutshell.      
Today as I watched this movie about motherhood, a particular quote caught my attention. ”There is no try, there is only do and do not” - Uma Thurman, motherhood. Apart from the very important lesson that these simple words taught me, the whole movie once again reminded me of  the things that really matter in life; family, true friends, helping the helpless and living each day like it’s your last. Doing those things that,   if today was your last day, you would do. Obviously this got me thinking about what those things were for me and I was pleasantly surprised by what I found out.   
                    I would love my family, kiss my nephews and nieces all the time, give my lunch to the hopeless man that sits by the corner, take a stroll on the beach, hold my boyfriend close and talk to God. I would call up all those people I haven’t heard from in such a long time. I would swallow my pride and be the first to apologize to that particular person that upset me. I would eat my favorite vanilla ice-cream and chocolate tiffany candy, listen to my c.d, and wear what makes me comfortable. I would watch the sunset and play in the rain, and talk about all my deepest fears. I would visit my best friend of all time, and thank her for changing my life in the most unexpected way. I would be proud to be me. And then I asked myself, why am I not doing that now?? What is stopping me? Nothing. Nothing at all! ………..