I see you
"To be nobody but yourself in a world that’s doing its best to make you somebody else, is to fight the hardest battle you are ever going to fight. Never stop fighting."
E. E. Cummings
All the boys told her she was beautiful. She believed it sometimes more than other times, but never to the extent they claimed. If she was so beautiful, why was she always alone? Why wasn’t she able to hold down a relationship for more than months? Why didn’t she like what she saw in the mirror? It’s not like she was ugly, it’s just that there had to be something she had less of than the other girls. Her nose could use a little nipping here and there and it wouldn’t hurt if she dropped a few pounds. Sean had left her for a girl with longer hair and a dimpled smile in her light-skinned complexion. If she was all that, why didn’t she feel that way?
There had to be something wrong with her. The most rational thing she can do is take whatever is given to her; she really wasn’t in a position to be picky. Maybe if she worked harder, she could show them that she was worth it. If she gave more of herself, someone might finally appreciate all that she was. Maybe if she smiled more and was super nice all the time, they would stay. Next time she went shopping, she would take Doris along. Doris always had guys around her. She didn’t particularly like her sense of fashion and wasn’t comfortable with some of the outfits she wore, but they seemed to be working. Forget all that talk of owning who she was, she needed to be someone else.
It’s not that he didn’t know what to do. It’s just that he wasn’t so sure about himself. Most decisions he had made had ended up being the wrong ones, and he was tired of hearing what a failure he was so maybe it’s better to take Mart’s advice. He wasn’t sure if he trusted Mart or his intentions to be honest but at least he seems to have fewer problems. He didn’t really get it. The few things that he did that people called “wrong” didn’t really hurt anyone. In fact, if there was anyone hurt by what he did, it was him more than anyone else. But still, no matter what he did, he couldn’t understand or stand the hurt look in his mother’s eyes each time she looked at him. What was he doing wrong? Why was he not like his sisters? He had been called irresponsible, unreliable, flaky, unaccountable and a spendthrift so many times by so many family members that I guess it had to be true.
Sometimes he just wanted some time off from all the responsibility, from trying to maintain a perfect image. It’s not like he was neglecting a wife and children, it’s not like he staggered into work drunk and it’s not like he was involved in any scandalous events. And then there was Sheila, she claimed to love him exactly as he was and he believed her. But she was such an amazing girl, why would she want to be with someone as messed up as he was? Maybe she just hadn’t seen his true colors yet; but what would happen when she did? What would happen when she got the chance to interact with his family and they told her of all his shortcomings? She would leave him for sure, and crush his heart once again like everyone before her. Best to end that now before he got too attached, deal with the problem before it arises.
It’s been six days since she left home. Her friend’s mum has not said anything but she could see the strange looks she kept sending her way and the pursed lips each time she came back home and found that she hadn’t left yet. Amanda has been so kind already, allowing her to stay at their house for this week. She has made her breakfast, taken her to meet her friends and basically kept her occupied. Why wasn’t her home like this? Her friend’s families seemed to be happier than hers. They were richer, had lovely homes but more than that, there was peace and love. No one fighting or yelling or telling you what a mistake you were. It’s sad that she had no job and no money. She would have a place of her own by now. And she wouldn’t have to put up with any crap.
No one understood what it was like to be her. No one understood what she went through on a daily basis. Her friends accepted her, but did they really understand? She had perfected the art of hiding her problems. Going back home was like walking straight into a battle zone. It may not be physical, but there were other wounds that hurt more and cut deeper than the ones we see with our eyes. It was time to leave. She had already stayed longer than she usually did. Maybe she would try Gabi’s home next. Her parents were really lovely and never home.
“The worst loneliness is to not be comfortable with yourself.”
― Mark Twain